Describe yourself

Describe Yourself

  Ready set go, in three words describe yourself.  Don't hesitate and think about it, what words immediately come to mind.  Don't ask your spouse or your friend sitting next to you. What words came to your mind about you?  Kind, Loving, Mother, Father, Brave, Warrior, Humble, Encourager, Friend, Fun...Oh the list is so long there are tons of adjectives to describe you.  How about me? Would you like to know the my three? Oh, I know you said yes.

  Prideful, Idol Worshiper and Killjoy.  What? Its called honesty.  You see everyone has these things in their life.  The key, is are they controlling your life? Are they what drive you right now?  Maybe, "You have pushed them into a wee little corner and you don't even see them anymore." Maybe, "You have them under control." This my friends, is my problem.  I put them in a wee little corner, I hid them well, I got this. That would be the pride part.(But not the first definition it was the forth in definition in the Webster's Dictionary) Conceit:arrogance Um, no, there is the problem.  I don't got this. Putting away not to deal with, is not a good idea because it ALWAYS shows up again. Maybe, God didn't want me to hide it, He wanted me to deal with it. I wasn't ready to, not mature enough, not strong enough and of coarse, I got this.  I didn't have it. I never did.  It is my idol, not something I worship but it consumes me. More than anything.  That is the definition of Idolatry. Blind admiration or devotion  When you become, prideful and worship an idol, its only a matter time before you become a killjoy. One who spoils the enjoyment of others  When something consumes you, when its all you think about/want...you (I) become no fun. Laughter is harder to come by, smiles are too. Throw out your (my) capability to wing it or be a joy to be around. 

  In fact when your loved ones mention you might have an idol and your response is denial. No, I don't, I got this. When your husband tells you exactly what that idol is...hmm. What do you do? Do you, like me continue "to get this"? And for how long? How long will you allow your thing to control you? Do you fall on your knees and ask God for help immediately? Or wait, a week, month, year? YEARS?

  The longer I waited, the harder it was to release...Even a week later, I am just now writing this blog. You see part of releasing my idol is telling you about it.  About, my pride...my idol...my lack of control...how I am perceived.  

   My pride and killjoy naturally came to ahead, a month ago.  God has blessed us, with a fantastic new job, we have beautiful healthy children, I have an amazing husband, we live in a state park, we have a sweet old lab who suns in the driveway. I have everything I ever wanted. WHY, then I am I so miserable, on the verge of tears constantly?  Why, can I not embrace all that has been given to me? Last week,  while I was listening to a song on my iPod. Sometimes you may hear the song, other times you listen to the song.  It was a song about being beautiful, captivating, to be adored.  She was looking in the mirror, I imagine. But talking to God.  She (the singer) wants to be these things to God.  Here is where I thought to myself well, she will never be these things to God because she is not those things to herself.  Whoa! Stop.  She will never be those things to God because she is not those things to herself...Wrong she is exactly what she wants to be to God.  He created us in his image.  He makes perfect human beings every time. In all shapes, sizes, colors, sex, personalities...Perfect every time. Her desire to please God, is not one that she needs to work at, because she is  already beautiful, captivating and adored. There is only one person who did not find these qualities in her. That was herself. I could blame worldly/outside influences, but when it comes down to it. Its just me and the mirror.  What do I see? Am I, what I see in the mirror, or am I more? Is there more than meets my eye? 

   I love exercising, I love the way it makes me feel.  I like eating healthy things.  I even enjoy running.  I like to encourage others to be the best them. To rejoice with them when they reach their goals. Not to covet them. Not to say, Erica you should try harder and you could look that way too.

  I have a problem, I don't ever seem to be who I think I should be. I am never enough, I am never just right in my own eyes. My idol, is me, well my appearance anyways. I will never be satisfied with how I look, because it will never be enough.  There will always be someone to compare myself to. My standards, will never be reached. They will always change, to be a little less or if only I was that size instead of this size....5 more inches and I will be perfect (or one of my daughters). If only my hips weren't so big. Oh my list is so long and depressing. Where did I come up with the perfect me? That, I am not telling because then I would be blaming someone/thing else for my little monster.

  I know what my idol is, great my problem  is solved.  No, because like I said before, this little creature has been hiding in a corner, dying for some attention.  Tada, it said here I am.  So instead of taking a break from exercise or eating healthy, I am going to do this different. I am giving it to God.  Not just once, daily or hourly if need be.  That is not enough though, because I need to learn to tell myself three words.  No matter what I see, no matter how I feel about myself.  Those three words, you ARE beautiful.  You ARE worthy.

  This is not something that I get to stop here with my post. Most of all it is to meet with God at his feet, to listen to his words, to spend time with him. To except my husbands compliments and say thank you, not your so crazy.  Both God and my husband see me for who I am.  Now it is my turn. I will never be who God wants me to be until, I let go of this lime stone.  Until I burn this idol into ashes. My God is so big, so strong and mighty...there is nothing My God can't do.