The Long Haul

                    I felt as Snow White did

   Nine years ago I found myself in a place I did not want to be. I felt out of place and uncomfortable.  Today I find myself in the same place, nothing has changed externally, internally a lot has.  For nine I have asked God to remove myself and family from this particular place and for nine years He has said no. I would like to tell you we can celebrate He has let us go....Nope I can not.
    Two weeks ago (in that place) I sat praying for God to show me where I was wrong.  Where was I missing the point. I was convinced it wasn't my fault but all those around me (the external).  One week ago (in the same place) God said, you asked so here is your answer.  While there may be external triggers; this is an internal problem.  This is the lesson I am teaching you. 
    During this long haul, I have learned many things about God.  His grace, His mercy, His unconditional love, His saving grace and the living words He spoke so very long ago. That He loves me in spite of myself.  I have grown to love all His words, I love seeing His plan from beginning to ending.  His words apply to my life and my family's. I have also learned that I have planted a particular root in my heart probably about two years ago.  This root is invasive it takes over the heart and if you allow it, it will control it.  Nothing good will come from it.  It is called bitterness.  "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice."  Ephesians 4:31  
   I had felt so much hurt and rejection from my peers that at some point I thought well chuck it and just stopped caring. I started to speak openly about this (aka slander).  I was just like all those around me. My root was being fed. By none other than myself, after all I was right to feel the way I felt.  I was stressed out, I hated going to this place, usually the night before I would get knots in my stomach.  The morning of I would be on the verge of tears or in tears by the time we left home.  My bitterness was growing into anger.  I had lost myself in these feelings, my compassion was gone. I lost my heart for others. My very special gift God had given me and I was throwing away.  "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of live."  Proverbs 4:23 I was harboring and nurturing this bitterness, I have actually become very good at it.  I hated who I was and who I was becoming.  JADED, UNCOMPASSIONATE, UGLY from the inside out.  
   This is what I need to release, this is what I needed to see I was harboring, bitterness.  "Be Kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."  Ephesians 4:32 Every time I read this verse, I thought; "That's right! You tell them God." Not; "That's right God, I am sorry and I should obey what you are telling me."  For a while I struggled with the whole I do forgive them.  I do try, in fact I try over and over and over again!!! I am tired of forgiving, I am tired of trying.  Just take me as I am.  "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?'  Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'" Matthew 18:21-22 This lesson has come at a great cost, in many cases I have become just like the ones that triggered my hurt.  My family lost the fun light hearted, quick quipped wife and mother.  So, I am sorry, I am crushed to find this where I am.  That instead of allowing things to roll off me and take the higher road.  I didn't.  What this has revealed to me is that, I am human.  I am just like everyone else.  The flesh won out.  "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in your faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same sufferings."  1Peter 5:8-9  This also means that I am not the first one or last one to have the battle.  I also know that my battle is not over. 
   This past week I have felt freed from this burden.  I have felt more relaxed.  I have felt almost like my old self.  This will be a long road to travel.  But I also know this, "for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."  Philippians 2:13  This will help me to become a better person.  With God's help I will learn not to harbor this bitter root anymore.  That I will take people as they are, even if people choose not to take me as I am. Compassion is a gift and I will choose to share and give it freely with God's help. 

They are Contagious!

   Have you ever looked at a still pond or stood in front of a lake early in the morning on a fall day?  It is so peaceful, it is so very still.  Then out of the sky falls a leaf, one single leaf.  It floats down on your very still pond or lake and cause a ripple.  That one little leaf, caused the still waters to move.  Not just where it landed but across the entire body of water.  Most call this the "ripple effect" one action, one deed, one word, one moment cause a lifetime of ripples. 
   What about the word contagious? What are you thinking about now?  I bet it is not a pond early in the morning.  If you are like me, it is more of a YUCK! Germs, hospitals, diseases, outbreaks, the plague, malaria, yellow fever, typhus fever....I could go on and on.
  What about your words? What about your attitude (which is a whole other blog post)? Do you know they are just as contagious?  That what your tongue unleashes, good or bad, causes something to happen. They can be healing or venomous, poison to the soul.  They can cause someone to be kind to others or lash out at the next person they see.  CONTAGIOUS!  How you chose to speak to someone impacts not just today but the rest of their lives.  Oh, I know what you are thinking, no they won't, the will get over it.  You might think big deal that just shows how weak they truly are. 
  It is just not the words you say but how and when you say them.  Do you truly mean them?  Or were you trying to be nice, but really don't like that person and don't want them to know it?  That persons knows and they probably don't believe a word you said.  When you say something mean it, don't just say it because you feel you have too.  Remember that old saying..."If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all."  Saying bless their heart afterwards doesn't count.  It might make you feel better but it won't make you words or your statement any better. 
   My oldest is a sweet and beautiful young lady, she is this way because of the words that have been whispered to her all her life.  (Yes, we home school so she might not be exposed to the ugly words of her peers, but at the she is.  We do not live under a rock and yes, she interacts with her peers.)  She was so upset the other day, crushed almost.  "Mom, my friend Lulu thinks she isn't pretty, she thinks no one will ever like her, she thinks she is ugly.  Mom she isn't any of those things, she is beautiful, she is kind, she is worthy of love.  Why does she think these things about herself?"  As I sat and listened to my daughter pour her heart out in frustration, I thought I know Lulu all to well, you see I was Lulu too.   Lulu has very loving parents that tell her she is wonderful and beautiful and kind and worthy of others.  But Lulu has not heard that from others in her life, her friends, caused a wound.  A wound that is contagious, one that may look as if it has disappeared with time but it has not.  It grows and affects her heart even years later.  Oh, I know this pain, as a grown woman, who has loving parents and spoke to my heart in an up lifting manner, I too have the same wounds.  Words! Awful things and so very important.  So, I tried to explain this to my daughter.  "It's so easy to believe what people tell you."  She interrupts,  "Mom, no its not, not if it is a lie."  I continue "What if your parents did whisper all the great things about you, but others start telling you the opposite?" "That's easy," she says, "I don't believe them."  "But what if over time you did?" I asked her.  "What if over time it was so much easier to believe the lies, verses the truth? Than what would happen in your heart?"  This conversation continues but you get the point.  The words that spoke to Lulu's heart left a soul eating disease inside of her. 
   What does God's word say about this?  In Proverbs it is something spoken about over and over. 
Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18
A gentle answer turns away, wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.  Proverbs 15:1
The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. 
Proverbs 15:4  Solomon's words are not just words, they are words to live by.  Life comes from these things spoken.  You can take what you read and choose to apply it to your own life or not.  That is free will as well as wisdom.  He also tells us that words are healing.  Will you heal or crush?  You see Lulu is still young she can over come these wounds.  It is going to take time.  Even though the words spoken to me were so very, very long ago.  A lifetime ago, I still have this battle going on in my  heart.  The battle to believe the lies or believe the truth.  I will not say that I believe truth every day.  In fact I will say the majority of the time I struggle with the lies.  I know who I am, I am the daughter of the King, I am His, I am perfection in his eyes, I am beautiful....but the lies, even though they are hurtful I still believe them, I struggle with it daily.  Think about that for one moment.  I know I am not alone.  I know there are others male and female who struggle with this.  Who know what to say, who know what God's word say. We know the truth, but the whole purpose of Satan is to still kill and destroy.  Words last a lifetime.  Whether they have made you a better or stronger person, you can still hear the words that poisoned your soul so very long ago. What kind of words will you speak today?

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

  I love that song by Aretha Franklin, you know Respect.  What a liberating song.  Let me remind you of the lyrics if you are not already singing it.  "What you want, Baby I got, What you need, Do you know I got it, All I'm asking is for a little respect..." Why is that song so loved by women? Because that's what we want, but what about what we need?  That would be a Beatles song, "Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love. There is nothing you can do that can't be done. Nothing you can sing that can't be sung. Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game It's easy...."  So which do you want? Both, right? Which do you give your spouse?
   Lately, I have noticed a plethora of those "funny" cards on Facebook and other media sources slamming husbands and men.  To be honest I giggled the first few times. At first glance how innocent, but the more I see them, the more my heart aches and is grieved by them.  Especially, when the women are "Christian's" or even worse in ministry and disciple younger/other women. We poke fun at our spouses privately but now we are publicly humiliating them as well.  If you are like most your spouse is typically your "friend" on Facebook.  You don't think it hurts their feelings to see their spouse and most often their best friend post those "funny" cards where it shows the man lacking in some area.  Would you say it about your best "girl friend"? Oh, we are all guilty of it and it is after all in fun. STOP! What are you whispering into his heart? What are you saying about his character? Worse yet, what if he said it of you?
  At the very bottom, the core if you will, of a woman is to be loved, cherished, desired, to be the soul winning beauty in a mans life.  We search for it while we are young, if we are lucky we find someone. Who loves, cherishes and desires us. We in fact crave it all our life well after the dating and honeymoon.  We yell it out loud LOVE ME! We cry ourselves to sleep when we feel unloved. What about the core and very being of a man?  What do they need? To be honored, respected, trusted, to feel like the protector and provider of his home.  That is how God created us both, one desires love and the other desires respect and honor. 
   When we post our "funny" little cards, we are crushing his spirit. You are saying to his very soul you are not enough. You are not a man. "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord." - Ephesians 5:23 If you don't like the word submit, get over it, it is not a potty word and it does not mean you are weaker or that he is better.  It means to trust his judgment. Respect him enough to follow and not lead. 
  Three verses later it states the following; "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her... In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself."  -Ephesians 5:25&28 As a wife, how then can you expect your husband to love you, if you are not doing your part?  How can you demand something that you are unwilling to give? You will never be loved the way you want to be loved and treated the way you want to be treated until you give your husband what he needs; Respect and honor.  If you want to be loved deeper, then honor and respect him more. 
  Somewhere during all the "Women's Rights" movement we as a society have decided men are useless and unworthy of our respect. We decided honoring, obeying, and submitting were potty words. Because if we did these things, we showed weakness, that they (men) were better than us. Some might even think that means we are unequal(gasp). Well ladies that is fine, you don't have to honor, respect, obey or submit to them. Why do expect them to love you? Why do you get what you want, and crush his spirit? You can not crush your spouses spirit and get love from him at the same time.
  It is not that we are unequal, we are in the sight of the Lord. However we are different, we were put together and wired different. One was made to crave love, the other honor and respect.  When we honor, respect and yes submit to our husbands, we get what we need; love.  Life is so much better when you are loved, cherished, when you know that someone is captivated by your beauty.  It is hard to see how captivating we are when pure ugliness spews from us. Why would you want to walk around broken hearted all the time? When you could be loved?
  "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must RESPECT her husband." - Ephesians 5:33  It is not actually a suggestion it is a command.  We MUST RESPECT our husbands.  If you want the love, show the respect.  Who knows all those things that you think he should do for you, or should help you with, he just might. If you respect him.

I Have To Verses I Get To

  I like most overwhelmed, overworked, overtasked, woman, mother, wife, girl can get into a mode.  The I have to mode.  You know the one where you begrudge everyone in your life because of the the things you have to do. The truth is we do not have to do anything.  Have you ever thought about that before?  We do not have to anything.  We can do absolutely nothing!  But we GET to do everything.  When I get in the mode where everything is just something I have to do, and I start to begrudge the ones I love, I remind myself I do not have to do this, I get to.
  I don't have to wake up my children in the morning, I Get to wake them up. The way I wake them up will impact their whole little day.  Will I do it cheerfully and lovingly or will I be abrupt and gruff with them? 
  I don't have to make my husband's cup of coffee, I get to.   By giving him his cup of coffee it is saying I love you, I believe in you, and thank you.  It is a small gesture to encourage him as his day begins.  If I choose to do it in such a way of , here is your coffee (gruffly and put out) what am I saying to him? Now he is thinking I have made her made and all I did was smile at her.  Did I smile wrong? An excellent wife is the crown of her husband,  But she who shames him is like the rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4 NASB  I GET to make a choice do I want to be my husband's crown or like a cancer in his bones?  
  I don't have to make my children's breakfast, I get to make their breakfast.  I Get to choose do so.  They don't have to have a well balanced breakfast, I can send them out into the world letting them think, they are not important enough for me to take them time to prepare their first meal of the day. After all I don't have to wake up 30 minutes early to do so.  I get to wake up 30 minutes early.
  I do not have to instruct my children, I get to instruct them.  I get to mold their worldview, I get to breathe truth and life into their lives. I get to whisper love into their life.  Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward.  Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are children of one's youth.  How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They will not be ashamed When they speak with their enemies in the gate. Psalm 127:3-5 NASB What do I choose to do with the gift and reward God gave me?  Will my arrows be sharpened for battle, with deadly points to defend what I have taught them and impact the life they live?  Or will I allow them to be dull not really impacting those around them at all?  Will I choose to use my blessings for good or do I choose to say to God, not today nope, I do not want my blessings?
  I do not have to have clean my house, or do laundry.  I get to, because I have a family, I have a body and we do not live in the garden of Eden, clothing is not optional.  I Get to have a clean home, to keep diseases, infection and grossness down.  I Get to do laundry so  we all can smell fresh and clean, and not offend those around us.  
   If you work for money (as I did at one time); I do not have to go to work.  I get to, I get to impact the lives around me for good or bad.  I Get to choose whether I will be a joy to those around me and let a little or a lot of Jesus shine or whether I choose to hate every minute I am at work.  I do not have to do my best, I Get to do my best.  Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, Colossians 3:23 NASB I get to serve the Lord even at work, I am working for him, with the talents He has given to me.  Even more, I am also a reflection of to whom I claim to be.  If we are claiming to be a Christian isn't our work to reflect it?  Do all things without grumbling or disputing, so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation among whom you appear as lights in the world, Philippians 2:14-15 NASB I like to quote these to my children, but usually it comes back as a gentle reminder to me as well.   Am I living in such a way? 
  None of us are without fault, none of us are perfect, all of us have days where, life overwhelms us.  Where it feels like we have to do everything and no one helps us.  The truth is we do not have to do anything and we get to do everything.  Finally Jesus didn't have to die on the cross for us.  He could of said no to God, he still had that choice. He chose to die to self, lay his life down for all of humanity.  Not for his glory but for Gods. God didn't have to send HIS son to die on the cross for us.  He chose to.  Why? Because he loved us that much.  God has gifted us with each day, with a husband and children.  He didn't have to, he got to.  God loved us enough to give us these blessings, we do not have to love them. We Get to.  
  

When you feel invisable

  Confessions of this Wife, Momma and Home School teacher.  This is not a pity party, this is not for you to say oh you poor thing.  This is for you and me, me to share what I have learned and for you maybe to glean from what I have typed.
  Eight years ago I married a man I love,and moved to a place a felt and continued to feel invisible in.  Wow, try typing those words I feel invisible is kind of embarrassing and humbling.  So what is a woman to do but pray; God please change where we live; God please let us move; God please let us change Churches; God I want to serve you please use me; God I just want to be seen; God I am doing everything you ask yet nothing is changing; God let me reflect you in all I do; God my heart is yours let be a reflection of you; Just show me I am doing what I am supposed to. 
  The during the past year, I have fallen in love with several books of the Bible and precious verses in the Bible. 
  The Book of Job, yep I said it I love Job, because he has no idea what he has done for God to allow all this stuff to happen to him.  God response is 4 chapters!  "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?" Job 38:4, "Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place..." Job 38:12  God asks the most profound questions of Job, and how can he answer these questions of God's great awesome power, wisdom and love?  "I know that you can do all things; no plans of yours can be thwarted.  Job 42:2.   
Philippians, I love Philippians, how Paul wants the thorn in his flesh removed, but continues to serve God.
  "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:13-16  Do you know how incredibly hard it is to read these words and believe with your heart they are true and then walk out into the world and not feel them.  To reread them, write them on the tablet of my heart and still struggle with truth?  I find it tiring, but I am just flesh and do not see all things just the things in front of me. 
  "The LORD God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with he love,he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17  (I know what you are thinking, who even reads Zephaniah?  I do, I love the minor prophets because there is so much heart in their words.)  The first time I read these words, I read it again, then again out loud to myself and just let them sink into my very being. God sings praises over me! I was moved to tears.  He loves enough to sing praises over me! Me the girl who feels out place, wasn't out of place I was right where he wanted me. 
  "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD... " Jeremiah 29:11-14  I have read these words to myself many times, I have heard them spoken a lot.  But like many, I wondered, I have if you have plans for me, why don't I know what they are?  Why can I not see your plans?  Are you sure you want to use me?  This is can be a very dark place to walk into, this place can make you unsure of who you are. It is best to trust these words to believe them with all your heart.  To know that he does have plans for you, they are wonderful and made just for you!  
  I would love to quote all Isaiah 6:1-10, But that would take up a lot more space.  I don't know how many times I begged God, yes send me!!!! I don't know how many times God has gently said I have, I do every day.  Are you doing what we are supposed.  Many of us God to send us, but we forget God sends us out everyday, to work, at home, to the store, to play groups, to church, Facebook, Twitter, blog posts.  The question is I am using these place that God sends me to be a light?  I really try to be a light every where and share my life with all I talk to.  I try to be real and encouraging. 
   This brings me to my statements in the beginning, of feeling invisible, feeling like I never impact anyone's life.  I even asked for advice from a very Speaker who told me she even feels this way at times.  And not to lose heart, to keep on keeping on...and this final passage I found in Proverbs. "Do not let kindness and truth leave you; Bind them around your neck, Write them on the tablet of heart." Proverbs 3:3  I wonder if this passage jumped out on purpose?  I was losing my kindness, in my love for people.  I just felt useless.  I read this I thought, I don't want to lose my heart, I don't want to lose the light in my eyes when I meet people, I don't want to be calloused please God don't let me become this kind of person. 
  Today,  I ran into someone I haven't really spoke to in almost two years. Where I learned I do impact lives, just not where and with whom, I thought I was supposed too.  It is in my daily life, the life I share with others God uses.  Not just in a specific building, not with church people.  With all people I see daily. 
  You or I are never invisible! Not to God or those you are around.  He is always using us whether we know it or not.  Whether we feel like it or not.  My big God moment came to me in the car tonight after this conversation with the friend and my husband.  "I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU, DECLARES THE LORD, PLANS TO GIVE YOU HOPE AND A FUTURE" Even though I might not feel visible I am, on the radio during these thoughts, the message being spoken was about the same thing, don't quit, stand firm.  And was finished by quoting Jeremiah 29:11.  I know that was for me at that moment.  I know what God has been trying to tell me, even though I am hard headed and don't always listen.  I am seen and so are you.  Remember that loved ones. YOU ARE LOVED.