The Long Haul

                    I felt as Snow White did

   Nine years ago I found myself in a place I did not want to be. I felt out of place and uncomfortable.  Today I find myself in the same place, nothing has changed externally, internally a lot has.  For nine I have asked God to remove myself and family from this particular place and for nine years He has said no. I would like to tell you we can celebrate He has let us go....Nope I can not.
    Two weeks ago (in that place) I sat praying for God to show me where I was wrong.  Where was I missing the point. I was convinced it wasn't my fault but all those around me (the external).  One week ago (in the same place) God said, you asked so here is your answer.  While there may be external triggers; this is an internal problem.  This is the lesson I am teaching you. 
    During this long haul, I have learned many things about God.  His grace, His mercy, His unconditional love, His saving grace and the living words He spoke so very long ago. That He loves me in spite of myself.  I have grown to love all His words, I love seeing His plan from beginning to ending.  His words apply to my life and my family's. I have also learned that I have planted a particular root in my heart probably about two years ago.  This root is invasive it takes over the heart and if you allow it, it will control it.  Nothing good will come from it.  It is called bitterness.  "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice."  Ephesians 4:31  
   I had felt so much hurt and rejection from my peers that at some point I thought well chuck it and just stopped caring. I started to speak openly about this (aka slander).  I was just like all those around me. My root was being fed. By none other than myself, after all I was right to feel the way I felt.  I was stressed out, I hated going to this place, usually the night before I would get knots in my stomach.  The morning of I would be on the verge of tears or in tears by the time we left home.  My bitterness was growing into anger.  I had lost myself in these feelings, my compassion was gone. I lost my heart for others. My very special gift God had given me and I was throwing away.  "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of live."  Proverbs 4:23 I was harboring and nurturing this bitterness, I have actually become very good at it.  I hated who I was and who I was becoming.  JADED, UNCOMPASSIONATE, UGLY from the inside out.  
   This is what I need to release, this is what I needed to see I was harboring, bitterness.  "Be Kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."  Ephesians 4:32 Every time I read this verse, I thought; "That's right! You tell them God." Not; "That's right God, I am sorry and I should obey what you are telling me."  For a while I struggled with the whole I do forgive them.  I do try, in fact I try over and over and over again!!! I am tired of forgiving, I am tired of trying.  Just take me as I am.  "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?'  Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'" Matthew 18:21-22 This lesson has come at a great cost, in many cases I have become just like the ones that triggered my hurt.  My family lost the fun light hearted, quick quipped wife and mother.  So, I am sorry, I am crushed to find this where I am.  That instead of allowing things to roll off me and take the higher road.  I didn't.  What this has revealed to me is that, I am human.  I am just like everyone else.  The flesh won out.  "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in your faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same sufferings."  1Peter 5:8-9  This also means that I am not the first one or last one to have the battle.  I also know that my battle is not over. 
   This past week I have felt freed from this burden.  I have felt more relaxed.  I have felt almost like my old self.  This will be a long road to travel.  But I also know this, "for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."  Philippians 2:13  This will help me to become a better person.  With God's help I will learn not to harbor this bitter root anymore.  That I will take people as they are, even if people choose not to take me as I am. Compassion is a gift and I will choose to share and give it freely with God's help. 

They are Contagious!

   Have you ever looked at a still pond or stood in front of a lake early in the morning on a fall day?  It is so peaceful, it is so very still.  Then out of the sky falls a leaf, one single leaf.  It floats down on your very still pond or lake and cause a ripple.  That one little leaf, caused the still waters to move.  Not just where it landed but across the entire body of water.  Most call this the "ripple effect" one action, one deed, one word, one moment cause a lifetime of ripples. 
   What about the word contagious? What are you thinking about now?  I bet it is not a pond early in the morning.  If you are like me, it is more of a YUCK! Germs, hospitals, diseases, outbreaks, the plague, malaria, yellow fever, typhus fever....I could go on and on.
  What about your words? What about your attitude (which is a whole other blog post)? Do you know they are just as contagious?  That what your tongue unleashes, good or bad, causes something to happen. They can be healing or venomous, poison to the soul.  They can cause someone to be kind to others or lash out at the next person they see.  CONTAGIOUS!  How you chose to speak to someone impacts not just today but the rest of their lives.  Oh, I know what you are thinking, no they won't, the will get over it.  You might think big deal that just shows how weak they truly are. 
  It is just not the words you say but how and when you say them.  Do you truly mean them?  Or were you trying to be nice, but really don't like that person and don't want them to know it?  That persons knows and they probably don't believe a word you said.  When you say something mean it, don't just say it because you feel you have too.  Remember that old saying..."If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all."  Saying bless their heart afterwards doesn't count.  It might make you feel better but it won't make you words or your statement any better. 
   My oldest is a sweet and beautiful young lady, she is this way because of the words that have been whispered to her all her life.  (Yes, we home school so she might not be exposed to the ugly words of her peers, but at the she is.  We do not live under a rock and yes, she interacts with her peers.)  She was so upset the other day, crushed almost.  "Mom, my friend Lulu thinks she isn't pretty, she thinks no one will ever like her, she thinks she is ugly.  Mom she isn't any of those things, she is beautiful, she is kind, she is worthy of love.  Why does she think these things about herself?"  As I sat and listened to my daughter pour her heart out in frustration, I thought I know Lulu all to well, you see I was Lulu too.   Lulu has very loving parents that tell her she is wonderful and beautiful and kind and worthy of others.  But Lulu has not heard that from others in her life, her friends, caused a wound.  A wound that is contagious, one that may look as if it has disappeared with time but it has not.  It grows and affects her heart even years later.  Oh, I know this pain, as a grown woman, who has loving parents and spoke to my heart in an up lifting manner, I too have the same wounds.  Words! Awful things and so very important.  So, I tried to explain this to my daughter.  "It's so easy to believe what people tell you."  She interrupts,  "Mom, no its not, not if it is a lie."  I continue "What if your parents did whisper all the great things about you, but others start telling you the opposite?" "That's easy," she says, "I don't believe them."  "But what if over time you did?" I asked her.  "What if over time it was so much easier to believe the lies, verses the truth? Than what would happen in your heart?"  This conversation continues but you get the point.  The words that spoke to Lulu's heart left a soul eating disease inside of her. 
   What does God's word say about this?  In Proverbs it is something spoken about over and over. 
Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18
A gentle answer turns away, wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.  Proverbs 15:1
The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. 
Proverbs 15:4  Solomon's words are not just words, they are words to live by.  Life comes from these things spoken.  You can take what you read and choose to apply it to your own life or not.  That is free will as well as wisdom.  He also tells us that words are healing.  Will you heal or crush?  You see Lulu is still young she can over come these wounds.  It is going to take time.  Even though the words spoken to me were so very, very long ago.  A lifetime ago, I still have this battle going on in my  heart.  The battle to believe the lies or believe the truth.  I will not say that I believe truth every day.  In fact I will say the majority of the time I struggle with the lies.  I know who I am, I am the daughter of the King, I am His, I am perfection in his eyes, I am beautiful....but the lies, even though they are hurtful I still believe them, I struggle with it daily.  Think about that for one moment.  I know I am not alone.  I know there are others male and female who struggle with this.  Who know what to say, who know what God's word say. We know the truth, but the whole purpose of Satan is to still kill and destroy.  Words last a lifetime.  Whether they have made you a better or stronger person, you can still hear the words that poisoned your soul so very long ago. What kind of words will you speak today?