Empty.....

My old life I would describe as the following.  Lacking, empty, not complete, broken, un-loved, missing, gaping hole, bland, grasping at strings, searching but never finding.  Lacking, although I might have seemed to have it together, with lots wonderful friends, a beautiful daughter and a great family my life was still lacking.  Empty, not complete, broken, un-loved, gaping hole is how I could describe the condition of my heart again, friends, daughter and family my heart was all of these things.  Bland, missing, searching but never finding, grasping at strings was my mental and emotional state.  At a glance you might have seen any of this in my life, even if you really knew me you might have not known.  I was lost, beyond lost.  Totally submerged in the world around me.  Doing everything I could possibly do with out getting in to much trouble.  Knowing there is a God but convinced he hated everything about me.  I mean he totally just opens up the sky and bad things would happen over and over.  I mean why was my life not going just the way I wanted to?  Boyfriends sure didn't fill the lack of love I seemed to be missing.  In fact they kind of numbed me for a while but did not fix it.  Partying like a rock star, was a lost cause.  That became very dull by the time I was 23.  I still went out had fun, drank and partied but in the morning my life was still not any fuller.  I just had a hangover, oh boy!  Then I started trying different exercises...maybe Yoga or one of these things could complete me....No, still nothing! It would work for a while then I was back to the beginning.  Searching in-ward, to find me.  Finally, I thought well nothing else is working, might as well try God.  I went to mass every Sunday with my daughter, I still wasn't getting it.
    You see when you seek God with only half of you, or just part of your heart.  You still can not experience life.  My problem was I knew that there was a god, but I didn't know God.  I knew enough to blame him for my bad choices. They were still mine, made by my free will. He did not make me do any of it, but it was still His fault.  Let me stop here and make a little side note.  Every action and has an equal and opposite reaction.  Science taught me that in elementary and middle school.  Does it really apply to all life? Yes, every part of life.  So was it God's fault? No, it was all mine.  Do good parents discipline their children? Yes, how much more did God love me?  More realistically how could He possibly love me?
     Sometimes the bottom is a good place for you to be.  The only way out is up.  Sometimes to be entangled in a large web, nest or knot is a good place to be.  The only way to escape is to be still.  Silence! "Be still, and know that I am God;" Psalms 46:10a  My problem wasn't my lack of friends or that I wasn't a good enough.  My problem was I didn't realize who or what I was.  More importantly I didn't know who God was.  "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."  Psalms 139:14  If you knew that little secret, that God, made you! He made you wonderfully.  That you are not a mistake, there are no oopses when God is in control. In fact.. "My frame was not hidden when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  Psalms 139:15-16.  He knew my days, my life had a plan, I was here for a purpose.  
   During my searching for God, but not at the same time.  He sent me a man, a husband who knew full well who God was, and where life came from. Where emptiness becomes full.  In fact he saw something in me I had no idea was there.  NO! My husband is not where I found fulfillment, I love and he is the one God made for me.  However I could never ask or demand that he (my husband) be where my completeness comes from.  There is no way any one could ever fill that position.  Nor could my children complete that task.   
   Finally, I with a lot of prayer from my sweet husband God, made himself known to me.  I finally understood, that life comes from him alone.  That through Jesus, who died over 2000 years before, did that for me.  ME! How much had I grieved God before this, yet his love was deep enough to pull up and still love me.  By Jesus dying and rising I have life.  I think when you have full knowledge of what you have done and could be still be doing.  Embracing Christ becomes more of a Sunday thing.  It becomes life, all the way nothing lacking, empty, incomplete, missing.  I have sought and found, my heart is full, not even a little hole left.  Does this mean my life won't have trials? No, then I might forget where my strength comes from.  No, life might not be perfect in the worlds eyes.  But it is perfect in God's and that is perfect in my book.